Being a Father

What's going on baby girl?

Daddy's at work sad that he can't be with you and mommy in Brooklyn this week but he's at least happy that he got to sleep with the 2 of you last night.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and he asked me: "What's it like being a father?"

Naturally I responded with all the cliches. "Its amazing, I love my daughter so much. She lights up my life" and just because they are cliches doesn't mean it's not true. Because you truly are all those things. However after the conversation was done I stopped and taught to myself 'how complicated a simple question could be.'

Let me explain why I say that. What I mean by that is it's only been 2 months since you've been here and I can barely if at all remember what life before you was like. I mean even before you were physically here you existed in your mothers womb.

Let's go back to 2007.
I was 20 years old. I'll never forget the day that some anonymous number sent me a picture mail. It was a picture of a sonogram.
Keep in mind, back then is when I used to swear to the heavens that I would never have kids.
So naturally I had a mini panic attack! A million things ran through my head: "What the freak is this? Who the freak is this? Please God don't let it be mine, and please don't let this message be coming from --------"
Needless to say I feared that I had slipped up and I needed to get a grip. So I did, I collected my thoughts and I called the number and asked "Who is this?"
It was my cousin Julie. Lol. She was sending out pictures of her sonogram to all of us that day in excitement for her first child, your cousin Jaiden.

Lmao. I think back and I laugh. The thought of having a child back then was so horrifying (and with good reason. I was only 20 years old) but here I am 8 years later enjoying life as a dad.
I could sit here and complain about losing sleep, but who needs sleep when they can stay up and look into Zairah's eyes and rock her to sleep?

So I guess I said all this only to come back to the beginning. Life as a dad is amazing. I find myself being jealous of people when hey hold you lmao. It didn't happen then because it was supposed to happen now!

I love you baby!
You've made my life great.

FFZ.

Your First Road Trip... Valentine's Day

February 16th.

Hey baby. Here we are back home again. You are asleep on daddy's chest. You've just been fed, burped and now you and mommy are both competing in the snoring Olympics while daddy watches "Night at the Roxbury" Lol! What's that!? Oh, it's a hilarious movie that we will watch together in a few years. Lol

But we're back from Pennsylvania where you spent the weekend with us and your grandma. (Mommy's mommy)

On Friday you and mommy came and got me after work and we began our 2.5 hour road trip. At least I think that's how long it was. We arrived and we checked into the hotel where we were staying, dropped out bags, changed you and then headed to grandmas house. It was getting s little late but we ate and hung out for a few and then headed back to the hotel to get some rest.

You slept through most of the night as always....
Saturday morning came and daddy was anxious to see the look on mommy a face when she would finally see the gift I got her.
She didn't realize that I had put it on the night stand right next to her side of the bed. When she finally saw it she was over joyed and she then gave me my cards from her and from you. Honestly baby girl, if daddy weren't such a thug, he'd cry from the words on those cards!! Lol. But they were beautiful and once that was out of the way it was time to go get some breakfast.

But not before we took a special picture. There's a producer who I'm a fan of that you'll one day learn about named Pharrell Williams and he has a picture that I wanted to recreate last time we were in the hotel but mommy hated on me.

But this time I had the idea of doing it again, but with you in it.

We succeeded. Lol. And I cannot wait to print this out and hang it on the wall!

We got back together with grandma and went to a diner that's serves some bomb ass French toast. (I can't wait for you to be old enough to enjoy solid foods.)
You were one of 3 babies in our section but none received more attention than you.
"Oh my God, how beautiful" "How old?" "Oh my God, all that hair" "She's so precious" these were all the things coming from everyone in a 3 foot radius. Lol

We've been blessed with the cutest baby ever!! Lol.
So after breakfast we got back in the car and went to the mall. I have no clue what we were looking for but we spent 6 hours in there. Lol. I fell in love with a pair of sneakers that I wanted for myself, mommy and you! But I couldn't find them in the entire mall. I was pissed. But I did buy this ridiculously fly Polo outfit and we got you a few things as well. You started to get a little restless and it was now time to head back. We came to the hotel to get your things ready. You were staying the night with Grandma while mommy and daddy went on our date.

So we left you and were on our way. While mommy and daddy went to Carrabbas (thee best Italian restaurant I've ever been too) you stayed with Grandma and had a super fun slumber party! She put pins in your hair, took pictures and fed you and you guys hung out and had a blast!

Then Sunday morning came around and it was time to get ready to check out. We went and saw you at grandmas and went back to the mall because mommy had to exchange some shoes she had bought on Saturday. So after a while we got back to Grandmas and got ready to hit the road again.

We got back last night, just in time to watch the All-Star game. We (the East) lost as usual baby. But there's always next year.

All in all it was such an amazing weekend, your first Valentine's Day and mommy and daddy's first Valentine's Day as parents. Your first road trip, and you were great by the way!

This is just one of many firsts and I am looking foreword to all of the others to come.

Daddy loves you baby.

FFZ.

24 Hour Father. Baby and Daddy Time

Feb. 3rd

Hey baby. Remember when I told you to respect your mother!? Well I told you that because I know (like by now I know you know) that it's because of everything a mommy goes through on a day to day basis. 

Today I decided to play hookie from work. (It was Mommy's idea -- and because I let her peer pressure me into calling out of work,(something I never allow to happen) I'll give you one free cut day when you get to High School.) but calling out proved to be the best thing that could have happened cause mommy got sick, literally over night. 

So it was daddy to the rescue. Neither one of us wanted her to get you sick so rather than hanging out with my girls it was just me and you! For the first time since you've been here you were solely my responsibility. I had to feed you, change you, burp you, clean you, etc. And repeat. Lol

I'd be lying to you if I said I kept a smile on my face the entire day because there was about 5% there when you would not stop crying and I had no clue what it could possibly be that had you upset. 

See this is what mommy goes through on a regular basis. And I know that but to experience it is a completely different ball game. One I regretfully admit I wasn't fully ready for. The whole difference between learned knowledge and applied knowledge thing. This is why I make it my business to come straight home from work. This is why my weekends are no longer spent with friends or even family but rather dedicated to you and mommy. This is why it's been hard to convince me to hang out frivolously in the last month. It's because I know all that mommy is going through while she is home with you while daddy is at work and so I want to to do the best I can to relieve her from her duties whenever I can.

Feb. 8th

Yesterday mommy took time for herself. I was so happy she did too, because it seems like she hasn't wanted to have some for quite some time. 

So while she went to get her hair and nails done it was Zairah and daddy time again!! I'd like to think I did better yesterday than I did the first day. In becoming more and more comfortable with watching you without the warden..... I mean mommy being around Lolol. She wasn't gone long but it was all okay cause it's not really rocket science figuring you out. 

I fed you a few times, changed you and let you take your nap which is time I took to nap myself and I even managed to squeeze in some Grand Theft Auto V! Yeah boy! While you were asleep I put a few heads to bed!! Lolol. 

Last night we took you to your first party! Your aunties baby shower. You slept through the whole thing. Which really doesn't surprise me whatsoever. You're real rude in that sense. Lol. You could be up all day and as SOON as people come around its nap time for you. Your ain't Claudia real wasn't happy with the fact that you slept the whole time she had you! Lolol

And now this morning here we are again. Daddy and Zairah on another world wind adventure. (We should get our own 'TailSpin' style cartoon! -- TailSpin is way way waaaaay before your time so I don't expect you to understand.) Mommy went to meet up with her friend Eli from work. It's been close to 2 months since she's had the chance to hang out so you and I are really happy she's gettin out a little. Now let's pray she brings us home some good food. 

You're asleep which gives me a few minutes to tend to Juno but you'll be up with a vengeance soon screaming from hunger! Lolol. 

But overall I'm just super happy that mommy is getting some free time and that you and I are hanging out more. Can't wait til you can speak and we can do this on a more 2 way basis!!  Lol

Love you baby! 

FFZ. 

P.S. Here's a pic of us at the baby shower last night. Your aunt Pia took it! She's a better photographer than I am for the beauty that she captures!!

P.S.S.

Dear God,

Thanks a million times over for both blessing me with and making me the head of this beautiful family!

The Ride Home

Hey baby girl. I'm lying here on the couch as you sleep on my chest. I swear I could lie here forever!! Your perfect baby smell, the weird baby noises you make, your baby soft hair touching my face; It all make me deaf to Juno crying because she wants to go outside. (Why the hell has no one walked her?)

Anyway. You had a few visitors this week and you also went to Brooklyn to meet your great grandma. My uncle Elvis was one of the visitors you had and o was happy he came to see you. He always has stories that I look forward to hearing. 

He was telling me about the day he and my parents brought me home from the hospital after I was born. He told me how it was the longest ride home ever. (Keep in mind I was born in Lincoln hospital and it's literally 10 minutes from where we lived at the time.) Uncle Elvis told me that it was a long trip because my dad wouldn't drive any faster than a few miles per hour. He remembered as he told the story "I realized" he said "This is a fathers love. He may not be the most talkative person in the world but him driving so slow was what told me that he was already being protective of you"

I thought it was amazing! I didn't know that story, but believe me I could easily relate. He was 27 when he had me, (his first born) 27 years later I was coming home with my first born driving just as slow as he did in the story. Lol. 

The speed limit is 25mph now but on average people still drive anywhere between 35-40mph and I'm no exception, but on Tuesday, December 30th when we brought you home  from the hospital, I not only said my usual prayer for traveling mercy and proceeded to drive home from Manhattan to the Bronx doing close to 20mph. Ha! Some asshole African cab driver (don't say asshole--that's a daddy word) even honked his horn at me as if I was inconveniencing him driving at 18-25mph with my hazards on. Lol. I didn't care. There was. I traffic. He had all the room in the world to go around me. Anyway. I got you home safe and in one piece. Funny how history repeats itself. How nature brings things full circle. My father and I, both at 27 experiencing fatherhood for the first time and thinking to ourselves: "Drive slow man. No need to hurry. It's more important to get this baby home safe than to get it home fast" lol. 

I just loved the story and had to share it with you! 

I love you baby, your mommy has arrived with my White Castle burgers and that means I'm putting you in your rocker til I'm done. 

Lolol. 

FFZ.

16 Days!

1.3.15

8:24am your belly button just fell off baby!!!! Exactly 6 days after your date of birth!!

1.13.15

You're 16 days old today baby! Getting a darker complexion every day!

These passed 16 days have been amazing. You've had many visitors, and sometimes you even opened your eyes for them. Lol

You've made sleeping a challenge for mommy and daddy, "Please go to sleep Zairah" has become a regular part of our monologue! But even on our late nights with you testing out the capacity of your lungs and mommy and daddy dealing with blood shot eyes and wanting to cry themselves, we are so grateful! 

Last night you wouldn't go to sleep and I woke up to relieve mom from the night shift. There was nothing on but the TV and that was on mute. There was just enough glow coming from the TV to illuminate your beautiful face as you lied facedown on daddy's chest. (You love lying there--and I could keep you there all day smelling your full head of hair.) I swear for a few seconds while you weren't crying you looked me in my eyes. I would pay a large fortune just to know what you were thinking! I know what I was thinking: "Look at me, an ogre, and I made this beautiful little thing, does she know I'm her father? Does she love me? Does she feel safe with me? I hope she knows I'm here for her forever!! From her first steps, first words, first tooth to her first day of school, first heartbreak, first job etc!" 

I guess I can only imagine what thoughts went through your head. I can only hope they were similar to mine "Look at this Ogre" as you tugged on my beard with that ninja grip of yours. You wouldn't believe how strong you are baby! You easily push yourself up with your legs when you feel daddy is holding you too low, and the other day you even took the pacifier out of your mouth to say bye to daddy! 

Your smile makes me melt, and it's a reminder that pretty soon I'm gonna be emptying out my bank account spoiling you with everything I can think of. 

All in all I'm just writing to say how much I love you. How much I can't stand the fact I have to leave you and mommy behind to come to work, and how much I can't wait to get home to see you, hold you and give you kisses!! 

I'll see you in 8 hours sweetie. 

Daddy loves you. 

FFZ.

Ready for my Close-Up, Daddy!

Hey baby girl!
Yesterday was your very first professional photo shoot! And you killed it baby!
Daddy's passion up to this point has been photography and I've been itching to take pictures of you since I knew you were coming. I mean, think about it, how many people can say that they had their first photo shoot at 4 days old! Take that Tyra Banks! (Is she still poppin?)

Anyway, mommy and I let you sleep for most of the day (whenever you weren't uo to eat) and at around 1:15 or so we got you burped, changed, and dressed ready to be in front of Daddy's camera.
You of course gave us a hard time towards the first couple of shots, but it wasn't long before you were willing to cooperate and gave daddy life! Is that what the models are saying? Lol.

I know I said I wasn't sure that I was gonna put any pics of you on the internet, but mommy couldn't resist and posted one on her Facebook and Instagram. Might as well consider that battlee a loss from this point on. I lasted 4 days. Lol

But since she already posted it I might as well share it too:

And there you are baby! I cannot wait to print these out and hang them up above your bassinet.
Aunt Lindsay came to meet you last night as well... She said you were beautiful and precious and all those good things. I must say, I agree. Lol All in all this has been thee best New Year of my entire 27 years of life!

Love you baby!

FFZ!

Your Arrival! Best Weekend Ever!

Your Arrival

So while the energy level is not through the roof yet, let me take this brief moment to say that as of 9:54am this morning, Dec. 27th mommy's water broke!!

Believe it or not I couldn't sleep (because she was snoring like a Harley Davidson) and so I got up to play Playstation. However I've been wishing for you to come this weekend since right before the middle of December. Never let it be said that wishes don't come true!!

So mommy got up around 9:15am played with Juno and used the bathroom. She laughed hysterically at things she was looking at on IG and then decided to get up to fold your clothes that she had washed the night before. It was about 15 minutes after she sat down to do that when she stopped talking to me mid sentence and got up to walk to the bathroom. "I think my water broke" she said as she walked away and I replied with an excited and sort of nervous "You serious?" And we exchanged that exact monologue back and forth about 3 times before I started to put on my pants and walked towards her. I kid you not, I had literally said "your water needs to break already" to myself just 2 minutes before she got up!!

So I stood at the bathroom door and she had a smile on her face telling me again "yes, I'm dead serious, my water just broke." Grandma heard the commotion from her room and got up in excitement. I told her "Antoinette's water just broke!" She replied "Really!?" And then the phone call to the doctor was made. 

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So the doctor gave us some simple instructions and told us to wait and that's what we're doing. 

So we've been at the hospital for a little over 2 hours now. 

I never realized all the prep that goes into delivering s baby. Lol. Don't judge me. 

I'm not supposed to shoot film while the delivery is taking place but I had every intention from day one of shooting pictures and video. Shhhhhh don't tell anyone. Lol. Grandma of course, is here telling me to follow directions, but c'mon!! Lol.
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So It's been about 10 hours and mommy is still in Labor. Listen Zairah, RESPECT YOUR MOTHER!!! Ok!? She had to have an epidural not once but twice and she made it through. 

I've never broken a bone or been through serious surgery or anything so I rate my level of toughness strictly off the fact that I rode Kingda Ka at 6 Flags a few times. I felt that after accomplishing that I could do it all. But I doubt I have what it take to go through what I just witnessed your mom go through. And she hasn't even started pushing yet. So again. Respect your mommy!
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9:41am. You've been here for one hour and 20 minutes baby. Oh my God! I cried more than you did! I've never felt this overwhelming feeling of joy!! You mean the world to me already. You were born at 8:24am and I could not get over it!! You were 7lbs. 4oz. And when I went over to your bassinet you held on to my hand tighter than anyone has ever before. You held on to that Pinky as if it were the only thing you had in this world. It was in this moment that you had me!!

I promise you baby girl I will never let you go. 

I don't even have the words right now. I'm simply documenting so that it's written as it happens. 

I Love you Zairah, I held you and I felt the weight of the world in my arms. Not because you're heavy; but because you are my world!! 

Aunt Pia has been here with us since yesterday. Aunti Claudia and uncle Danny came by as well. Grandma was here til very late and then went home to rest, but she will be back very soon. 

Mommy was in labor for 22 and a half hours. Some moments harder than others but all in all you were completely worth it!! Mommy and Daddy love you. You'll be meeting all your grandparents today. It's raining which is only proof of God crying tears of joy along with mommy and Daddy. 

Mommy is feeding you now so I'll write more feelings later.
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3:20am

Daddy's Log

I'm coming back to our room where you've just been changed after a feeding. 

Mommy of course, has me on a mission getting chips and ice. (I gave her a 30 day grace period before I'm done running errands for her.)

Anyway that's not what I'm logging. I just find it amazing that I can barely look at you without being so overwhelmed with joy that I can't keep it together and I start to tear up. Please do not be alarmed. There nothing wrong with me, daddy's just really happy! I just played some Bob Marley "Is this Love" and I swear your reaction to it was beautiful. I played some Bob Marley for you while you were in the womb and you always seemed to like it. It was such an amazing experience to actually see you react to it in the flesh. As you lie in bed I swear you were smiling and moving as if you're already trying to start crawling. You make baby noises as if you're already trying to speak!! Lol. I know just from looking at you that you will be doing both in no time. 

I should have recorded you on Mommy's phone while I played you music on mine but no worries. We have the rest of our lives together. 

Talk to you later sweetheart.
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Your home now baby. It's been the best weekend in the history of my life. You are now the most important thing in it and I can't wait for this journey to begin

FFZ.