(Emotional Rollercoaster) Zairah's first day of school!

Hey baby Girl!

So in the midst of all of the heartache and pain came a day of sunshine, literally. Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Rudy were in Honduras burying great grandma, where she wanted to be buried, and I couldn't go because her trip was scheduled for the 4th of September, just a day shy of your first day of school.

I love grandma dearly and I wanted to be there to wish her farewell, but I couldn't miss my only child's very first day of school. I pray you never have to make a decision that hard!
But it was a day of love and excitement despite those who wanted to be there but couldn't.

The night before mommy and daddy made sure you were in bed on time as were we. I woke up, set up my camera and started documenting everything from you brushing your teeth to walking in through the doors.
When we go to the school, daddy parked the car and we waited outside for the doors to open and also we waited for Camilla and her family to show up with her. I'm actually very happy that your best friend is in school with you and even in the same class.

I still can't believe it baby, in fact, I just text mommy today and told her that I still remember pre-k and Kindergarten and now here we are 20 something years later and I have a 3 year old excelling in school. Today is your 6ths day in school, 3 full day and so far you've already progressed from the first day where the teacher explained to her that we had to work on your following the rules. Something we knew could be a challenge but nothing I felt you wouldn't achieve.
We stood with you for about a hour and a half and left to figure out what we would do with our day now that we had a big girl in school. Lol.
Uneasy and incapable of staying still from the excitement we were about 8 minutes early to come pick you up (half day) at 11. I could finally ask you "How was school?" a question I came to dread in my time, but I'm already seeing that it'll be a little different than I am, very different actually. You're always so excited to be in school and you never miss an opportunity to let us know how much you like school or that you were given a sticker for something good that you did that day!

You continue to make me so proud baby! All the time.
I'm very happy with the beginning stages of your scholastic journey and I only hope I can keep up!


Please slow down with the growing up though baby! I miss the little baby you, but I love the big girl you as well. God Bless baby! I Love you.


FFZ.

Emotional Rollercoaster (Part II)

Hey baby Girl!

I suppose I could go into the good stuff, but what good would it be if it only meant coming back to the bad stuff right after it.

This is still hard to write and so excuse me if the thoughts don't seem as complete as they should.

Going back to 2 weeks ago, as I mentioned in the last post, as I sit in the very seat I was sitting in when I was blogging about my excitement of your first day of school. 
My phone had rung although I didn't hear it as it was on silent as it always is when I'm at work. It was your uncle Rudy.
When I got up from my desk to go get ready for my morning break I noticed the 2 missed calls and a text from Uncle Buddy. The text from uncle Buddy said something along the lines of "Are you good? I just heard the news..." I didn't know what he was talking about, but what was more curious was uncle Rudy's phone calls, usually he'd text me so if he were calling me it means it was something super important. So I called him back. I could hear the stress in his voice when I immediately asked him "What Happened?" as I tried to brace myself for the worst. "You didn't speak with mom?" he replied, "No!" I responded becoming more upset, "Grandma died last night!" It took a few seconds to hit me but when I did I cried like a baby. More than I could remember crying in so long. I sat on a bench across from my locker, crying, screaming, I was inconsolable. My manager and friend came to check on me rub my back as I cried and handed me tissues. With the very brief moment I could find to catch my breath I explained to them that my grandmother had just died and that I needed to go home. I was shaking so bad that I could barely get my key into my locker. I drove home to meet grandma and the rest of the family at Great grandma's retirement home where it happened. I had made it too late to see her a last time and so I would have to wait for the funeral.

My grandmother was arguably the greatest woman I had ever known, Zairah. She was my best friend before I knew what a best friend was. She took care of everyone she knew and loved in some way or another, but I feel that she looked over me and Uncle Rudy a little more than anyone else. She was always the type to tell me to go and get her purse whenever I would tell her that my mom didn't want to buy us something. At a very young age, maybe a year or two older than you are now, she taught me how to pray. She used to tell me how important it was to pray each night before bed. It's something that I've slipped up on in recent years, but it's still there,
My grandmother was quite often the voice of my own conscience. Whenever I was faced with a moral dilemma, I would sit down and think to myself "What would grandma tell me to do? How would Grandma feel about this? This probably wouldn't make grandma happy if she found out about it" and that's how she became my compass in life.
My grandma was the first person to tell me that I should marry your mom. Something I always knew I'd do, but I can't begin to tell you how happy it made me to know that I had my grandmothers approval. That she liked your mommy enough to suggest that I take her as my bride. It meant the world to me.

In her last years she suffered from dementia. Some days were better than others but the constant was her loving heart. She cared for all of us. I'll never forget the moment I told my mom that she would be a grandmother soon. It was on a card I bought her to give to her on Mothers Day in 2013, 7 months before you're arrival. It was while with great grandma. We would visit her several times a week and after telling grandma you would be arriving, I told great grandma! She was as excited as anyone could be considering it was possible that in the moment she might not even have remembered who I was exactly. But no matter, when I brought you to her the first time you were the tiniest, cutest newborn. I asked her if she wanted to carry you. Despite her not having much strength, she said "of course."

She carried you for about 2 minutes and it was quite possibly the greatest picture I had ever and probably will ever capture.
She loved you baby, and like everyone else she no longer asked for me or asked how I was doing, she would ask for you whenever she would remember that she had a great granddaughter. In fact, you are her first granddaughter.


She was the most incredible woman in my life, baby. And I am eternally grateful, and endlessly blessed to have been her grandson! Because of her, there is no doubt in my mind that I will go on to be a great father to you.


I miss her dearly, and I hope that by the time you are old enough to read this you will not have forgotten her. She's daddy's guardian angel, and I know she's watching over you as well.

R.I.P

T. 'Mami Yoya' Caballero

April 27th, 1933 - Aug.29th, 2018

FFZ.

   

Emotional Rollercoaster

Good Morning baby girl,

Today is exactly two weeks since the date of my last post. I've gone back and forth debating whether or not I was going to even make this entry. But I guess I wouldn't be doing you any favors keeping anything serious from you and I take it that by the time you're old enough to read this it'll be time to have the talk with you about losing loved ones anyway.

So here goes:
This summer was a really tough one for me and your uncle Rudy, baby girl.
I try to find the silver lining in everything but some things need more than a Band-Aid and time to heal from. By now you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about.

So...
Lets go back to the top of July, I was still in a state of excitement and slowly coming down from the high of proposing to your mommy. (She said yes obviously, because I'm the Bee's Knees!) and also excited because we were a few days away from my 3 week leave of absence from work to stay with you while Belkys was away on vacation.
But none of that would take place before the 7th of July. It was a Saturday. Grandpa, Grandma, uncle Rudy and I had been discussion what was going to be down with Juno. She had already been showing advanced signs of old age and diminished health in her last couple of weeks. We never sat down and actually discussed what we would be doing, but the general thought was that we would have to start saying our good byes because our big girl didn't have much more time.
So on that Saturday morning we all went to Grandma's house where we met with uncle Rudy. Grandpa, Uncle Rudy and I had to take Juno to the vet for the last time.

We had Juno for 10 years, in fact I still remember the day I got her. It was an April in 2008. Grandma and Uncle Rudy were in Honduras at the time and I couldn't go (I'm sure it was because I was broke) and my good friend Dwayne had told me that his uncle's dog had just had puppies that he was selling.
I remember being told that the dog was a Blue Nosed Male Puppy, only to arrive at his uncles building to find that by that, he meant 4 month old, slightly bigger than expected brindle female puppy.
Talk about false advertisement lmao. I almost didn't take her, but he came out of the apartment placed her on my shoulders so as to carry her very heavy frame and she began to lick me. I couldn't turn her down. I paid the man his money and headed out with Dwayne to a cab back home where I had already purchased her food bowls and her leash, choker (which I only used a handful of times) food, and a whole bunch of other miscellaneous dog stuff.
When grandma got home she was LIVID that I had gone behind her back to get a dog. Even threatened to have her taken away, a fight that she had previously won the first time uncle Rudy and I conspired together and found ourselves with a pet Pitbull. Lol
Uncle Rudy on the other hand was giving me a million Hi-5's in his head excited that we finally got what we always wanted, a pet dog! Even Grandma and Grandma grew to love Juno.

 I remember a few hours after you were born, I brought home one of your blankets from the hospital to give to her. It was so that she would become familiar with your scent and already be comfortable with you once we brought you home and she was definitely comfortable with you. All throughout your mommy's pregnancy Juno was by mommy's side making sure she was ok, and she continued to stand guard throughout all your days of infancy. She would be so protective of you and would be ready to check anyone who go too close without our consent. Not that you were ever in danger, but she didn't know that and she damn sure did her best to make sure you were safe.
Once you got a little older and could run and play she would love to play with you until you'd make her tired (which wasn't easy) at which point she'd go to her bed or go and hide from you somewhere. You two were great friends.

So naturally, it was quite possibly the hardest thing short of losing a human family member that I've ever had to do when it was time to walk her out of the house for the last time, knowing that she wouldn't be coming back with us.
We took her to the vet, no one spoke the whole car ride there, while there and the only thing to break the silence was the very loud cries of me and your uncle Rudy. It was terrible baby. But we knew it was something we had to do.

There's many days where my mind wanders and finds me thinking about her, missing her, hoping she is behaving herself in doggy heaven with all our loved ones. In fact, it's possible she left when she did in order to prepare for the biggest loss of my entire life!

But that's enough for one post. I'll break it down further next time.

R.I.P

Juno "Baby" ThaGod

Dec. 18th, 2007 - July 7th, 2018 

Forever in our Hearts



FFZ.