I suppose I could go into the good stuff, but what good would it be if it only meant coming back to the bad stuff right after it.
This is still hard to write and so excuse me if the thoughts don't seem as complete as they should.
Going back to 2 weeks ago, as I mentioned in the last post, as I sit in the very seat I was sitting in when I was blogging about my excitement of your first day of school.
My phone had rung although I didn't hear it as it was on silent as it always is when I'm at work. It was your uncle Rudy.
When I got up from my desk to go get ready for my morning break I noticed the 2 missed calls and a text from Uncle Buddy. The text from uncle Buddy said something along the lines of "Are you good? I just heard the news..." I didn't know what he was talking about, but what was more curious was uncle Rudy's phone calls, usually he'd text me so if he were calling me it means it was something super important. So I called him back. I could hear the stress in his voice when I immediately asked him "What Happened?" as I tried to brace myself for the worst. "You didn't speak with mom?" he replied, "No!" I responded becoming more upset, "Grandma died last night!" It took a few seconds to hit me but when I did I cried like a baby. More than I could remember crying in so long. I sat on a bench across from my locker, crying, screaming, I was inconsolable. My manager and friend came to check on me rub my back as I cried and handed me tissues. With the very brief moment I could find to catch my breath I explained to them that my grandmother had just died and that I needed to go home. I was shaking so bad that I could barely get my key into my locker. I drove home to meet grandma and the rest of the family at Great grandma's retirement home where it happened. I had made it too late to see her a last time and so I would have to wait for the funeral.
My grandmother was arguably the greatest woman I had ever known, Zairah. She was my best friend before I knew what a best friend was. She took care of everyone she knew and loved in some way or another, but I feel that she looked over me and Uncle Rudy a little more than anyone else. She was always the type to tell me to go and get her purse whenever I would tell her that my mom didn't want to buy us something. At a very young age, maybe a year or two older than you are now, she taught me how to pray. She used to tell me how important it was to pray each night before bed. It's something that I've slipped up on in recent years, but it's still there,
My grandmother was quite often the voice of my own conscience. Whenever I was faced with a moral dilemma, I would sit down and think to myself "What would grandma tell me to do? How would Grandma feel about this? This probably wouldn't make grandma happy if she found out about it" and that's how she became my compass in life.
My grandma was the first person to tell me that I should marry your mom. Something I always knew I'd do, but I can't begin to tell you how happy it made me to know that I had my grandmothers approval. That she liked your mommy enough to suggest that I take her as my bride. It meant the world to me.
In her last years she suffered from dementia. Some days were better than others but the constant was her loving heart. She cared for all of us. I'll never forget the moment I told my mom that she would be a grandmother soon. It was on a card I bought her to give to her on Mothers Day in 2013, 7 months before you're arrival. It was while with great grandma. We would visit her several times a week and after telling grandma you would be arriving, I told great grandma! She was as excited as anyone could be considering it was possible that in the moment she might not even have remembered who I was exactly. But no matter, when I brought you to her the first time you were the tiniest, cutest newborn. I asked her if she wanted to carry you. Despite her not having much strength, she said "of course."
She carried you for about 2 minutes and it was quite possibly the greatest picture I had ever and probably will ever capture.
She loved you baby, and like everyone else she no longer asked for me or asked how I was doing, she would ask for you whenever she would remember that she had a great granddaughter. In fact, you are her first granddaughter.
She was the most incredible woman in my life, baby. And I am eternally grateful, and endlessly blessed to have been her grandson! Because of her, there is no doubt in my mind that I will go on to be a great father to you.
I miss her dearly, and I hope that by the time you are old enough to read this you will not have forgotten her. She's daddy's guardian angel, and I know she's watching over you as well.
R.I.P
T. 'Mami Yoya' Caballero
April 27th, 1933 - Aug.29th, 2018
FFZ.
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